


violence is never the answer—it's the question

by Anonymous



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Dai-nana-han | Team 7 (Naruto)-centric, Dai-nana-han | Team 7 as Family (Naruto), Female Uchiha Sasuke, Humor, Memes, Multi, Uzumaki Naruto and Ramen, Vines, but like. y'know what i mean, sasuinosai brotp, sasuke and sakura both bully naruto, this is the only valid tag, weird kids
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:48:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23033476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: FEATURING:fem sasusakugremlin team 7sasuke being, well...sasukechaotic Konoha 12frequent bullying of narutoand, of course, kakaobi (slightly)
Relationships: Akatsuki & Uchiha Itachi, Akatsuki & Uchiha Sasuke, Deidara/Uchiha Itachi, Haruno Sakura & Hatake Kakashi & Sai & Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto & Yamato | Tenzou, Haruno Sakura & Hatake Kakashi & Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura & Konoha 12, Haruno Sakura/Uchiha Sasuke, Hatake Kakashi & Namikaze Minato & Nohara Rin & Uchiha Obito, Hatake Kakashi/Uchiha Obito, Hoozuki Suigetsu & Juugo & Karin & Uchiha Sasuke, Hyuuga Hinata/Uzumaki Naruto, Konoha 12 & Konoha 12, Konoha 12 & Uchiha Sasuke, Konoha 12 & Uzumaki Naruto, Namikaze Minato/Uzumaki Kushina, Senju Tobirama & Uchiha Sasuke, Senju Tobirama/Uchiha Madara, Uchiha Itachi & Uchiha Sasuke & Uchiha Shisui, Uchiha Sasuke & Yamanaka Ino & Sai
Comments: 54
Kudos: 164
Collections: Anonymous Fics





	1. Chapter 1

sakura: so you remember the plan if i ever go down, right?

naruto: yeah

sakura: tell me

naruto: if you're being attacked, as you go down i am to sing MMMMM WHATCHA SAY no matter the circumstances

sakura: good. i'll do the same thing for you, obviously

_____

naruto, dropping into sasuke's arms dramatically: HOLD ME

sasuke: i am

naruto: hold me like you MEAN it

sasuke: *drops him*

_____

kid sasuke, grinning wildly and swinging her legs in itachi's lap: the human body has enough bones to make an ENTIRE skeleton!

itachi, nodding in approval: it does. good job. you're very smart

sasuke: the equator can only go around the earth ONE time!

itachi: you're right

______

sasuke: pessimism is great. i'm either right, which is always gratifying, or i'm pleasantly surprised

naruto: that's an optimistic way of looking at pessimism!

______

[team kakashi are all girls au]

sakura: sensei i'm _dying_ my cramps are _killing_ me— 

kakashi, sweating nervously: uh you're excused from training for— 

sakura: but _then_ how am i gonna beat sasuke and naruko if— 

kakashi, shoving her away: _just go home_ _—_

__

naruko: sensei i'm bleeding

kakashi, alarm bells ringing: you'll be fine, those heal up pretty quick anyway. but where did you get hurt so we can make sure you don't get infected— 

naruko: no not. not like a _cut_ , it's just that i woke up an' my bed was red even though i couldn't hurt myself in my sleep so it was pretty fuckin' weird ya know— 

kakashi, pressing a piece of paper into her hands and running far, far away: _HeRe'S kUrEnAi'S aDdReSs I'm SuRe ShE'lL bE hApPy To HeLp YoU—_

naruko: who the _fuck_ is kurenai, sensei—sensei?

__

sasuke: my chest hurts whenever i run

kakashi, Very Interested in getting out of this conversation as Soon as Possible but attempting to help like kurenai lectured him to: maybe you should. go shopping

sasuke, squinting: how the _hell_ is that gonna help?

kakashi, shoving Kurenai's address in her hands and bolting: fuck just _go to her_

__

kurenai, opening her door to see a member of team 7 three weeks out of every month: hello again, my children

sasuke, sakura, and naruko, every time: hi mother-figure

_____

ino, walking into sasuke's room to gossip to the other girl only to see an animal with the body of a cat, tail of a snake, and head of a hawk: WHAT THE _FUCK_ IS THAT

sasuke, petting it lovingly: my cat, snake, and hawk summons accidentally fused

ino: _get rid of it_

sasuke: it's my _cHILD_

______

naruto, wide-eyed: i love your lipstick, Hinata!

hinata, hesitantly deciding to Go For It: thank you. Do you want a swatch?

naruto, producing a tissue and holding it out to her: oh _definitely—_

hinata: [takes his hand and kisses the inside of his wrist instead of the offered tissue]

naruto:

naruto, blushing: um. oh uh wha— thank. thank you. ah— 

sakura and kiba, rooting for them both but especially impressed with hinata: [low whistle]

__

Bonus:

hinata: *manages to keep her composure all the way to shino's house, blushing hard*

also hinata, in shino's house: *flops into bed and buries her face into a pillow with a muffled scream*

kiba, popping in: wow hinata you finally made a move! good job!

hinata: aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhh

_____

[doctor!Sakura]

sakura: what can i do for you?

sasuke, here for her test results but _also_ panicking because sakura's hot: _i want my blood back_

_______

sai, in his bed, staring at the ceiling: God set me on this bitch of on Earth and said, "Let this dumbass roam."

_____

sasuke, at 3am in the group chat: why would I fuck a demon? simple, the status. imagine rolling up into hell already having had your back blown out by one of their own. imagine you and a gang of other losers standing at the gates of hell, they're all crying, scared to death about having a pitchfork up their ass for eternity and you just walk into the arms of your sugar demon? legendary. 

sakura: it's three am. what the fuck kakashi: no-- kakashi: continue. you have a point 

_____

Threatening letter on kakashi's windowsill, saying: We're going to kill you

kakashi, hating his job as a Hokage and looking forward to being murdered, spinning in his chair: they really need to _hurry up_

_______

shisui: spits out sunflower seeds as he vacuums so they get sucked up as he goes

itachi, in awe, a tear slipping out at this _genius: I Have So Much To Learn_

_____

sasuke, walking next to Naruto as the rest of team 7 walks ahead: hey. dobe.

naruto, squinting at her suspiciously: yeah?

sasuke: *dabs*

naruto: _what_

sasuke, quietly, so kakashi and his sharp ears can't hear: no one will ever believe you

naruto, struck by the horrifying knowledge that she's _right:_ God has given me knowledge but has forbidden me from spreading it

_____

naruto, 12, with incredible confidence: i know i'm obnoxious but at least i'm also annoying!

sakura, 12, so much Smarter than him, crying: god you're so _dumb_

_____

hiruzen, displaying the genin teams to the foreign kages: as you can see, we foster teamwork from the get-go!

What hiruzen sees: well-behaved children

What the foreign kages see: neji and tenten plotting to kill both gai and lee, team 8 detailing out the plan to murder hiashi, ino, shikamaru, and chouji weaseling their way out of training by fucking with asuma, and team 7 attempting to murder each other

foreign kages: ...yes we can...see...that

_____

kakashi, displaying team 7 in their gremlin glory to obito: they'd kill for each other and yET

naruto: they'd sell me to the devil for a single corn chip

sakura, scoffing: we would Not

sasuke: we'd give you away for free. make you someone else's problem

obito: nice to see my little cousins' mean as ever

sakura, to obito: i don't even know you but i'd pay the devil to take you

obito: 

obito, to kakashi: your team _rocks_

_____

tobirama, at the kage summit: you wanna _die, little uchiha?!_

sasuke: yeah

tobirama:

tobirama: i'm adopting her

hashirama: brother nO— 

tobirama, firmly ignoring his brother: she's mine now. *at sasuke* sit _down,_ you'll catch a _cold—_ _here_ *drops fur on her shoulders*

tobirama: wait here until we come back

sasuke, when they all leave: *softly* what the fUcK was tHaT

_____

hinata: i'm proud to say i identify as morosexual. i'm attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses exclusively. a guy asked me what the Spanish word for tortilla was once and now i dream of kissing him under the moonlight

naruto: what kind of animal is the pink panther 

hinata, taking off her clothes: naruto you're so goddamn _stupid_

_____

obito phone: 1%

obito: goodbye it's been a pleasure 

obito's phone, glitching: 0%

obito: YOOOO

_____

minato: sensei?

jiraiya: yeah, squirt?

minato: i'm broke

jiraiya, has a bad feeling about this: ...and?

minato: can i get some money to buy some new weapons? i'll pay you back— 

jiraiya, eyeing him suspiciously: ...nah, it's fine. here

minato, beaming: thanks!!!!

__

[two months later]

minato: can i get some yakitori, please?

jiraiya, throwing his wallet because minato busted out the puppy dog eyes and now he can't say no to ANYTHING: _just take it you demon brat_

minato: :)


	2. Chapter 2

sasuke, running on two (2) hours of sleep for a week, staring at ino, who she woke up at 4am to tell her her latest revelation: salt's just angry sugar

___

asuma, trying to entertain team 7 with kurenai while kakashi's on a mission: what d'you call a duck with fangs?

naruto, screaming excitedly: a FUCK

kurenai, desperately trying not to laugh: *at sasuke and sakura* what _do_ you call a duck with fangs?

sasuke and sakura, fully supporting naruto: a fuck

kurenai:

asuma:

team kurenai:

team asuma:

team kakashi:

shikamaru, sighing: count quackula

_____

sasuke, at sai, before they became friends: if it isn't bland, boring sai

sasuke: if you were spice, you'd be flour

sai, with his limited social interaction and understanding of social interactions: ...thank you

sasuke, muttering: you're supposed to be _confused_ goddammit

sai, very much confused: _what does she mean_

_____

iruka, angry: DO YOU EVEN KNOW BASIC MATH? DO YOU KNOW ADDITION? WHAT'S TWO PLUS TWO? NARUTO, WHAT'S TWO PLUS TWO?

naruto: [panicking because he was zoning out]

sasuke, leaning over and whispering: seven

naruto, immediately taking the answer she gave him and blurting it out: SEVEN

_____

Bonus:

sakura, mad because naruto and sasuke are _stupid:_ COULD YOU GUYS PASS AN ACADEMY CLASS? COULD YOU DO ADDITION? WHAT'S THREE PLUS FOUR? NARUTO! WHAT'S THREE PLUS FOUR?

sasuke, nudging him: seven

naruto, having flashbacks about that one time he trusted her and vowing it'd never happen again: *quietly* you're not going to fool me _this_ time. *louder* FOUR

sakura:

sakura: SEE THIS SHIT IS _EXACTLY_ MY POINT—

sasuke, snickering: *quietly* _dumbass_

_____

hinata's anxiety: YOU'RE GOING TO DIE LONELY AND FRIENDLESS AND NEVER HAVING BEEN LOVED

that part of hinata's brain that has long since surpassed panic, hysteria, and is operating solely on emergency services: *cracking open a can of sparkling water, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, sunglasses, and reclining on a beach chair* lmao yeah probably

_____

sasuke, genuinely excited about something and damn near vibrating with it: —t's great, dattebayo!

sasuke: *freezes*

sasuke: *thinks about what she just said*

sasuke: i'm jumping off the hokage mountain

_____

[college au]

sakura: *spots a picture of sasuke on ino's camera roll*

sakura: who's _this_ and why haven't you introduced us?

ino: that. that there is a _cunt_

sakura: _you're_ a cunt

_____

karin: you're bleeding everywhere

sasuke: i don't have _time_ to bleed

karin: understandable

__

alternatively:

yamato: you're bleeding everywhere

kakashi: i don't have _time_ to bleed

yamato: _like fuck you don't_

_____

shisui, poking his head under sasuke's bed with itachi shining a light on her: ready to interact with people?

sasuke: HISSSSSSSSS

shisui, crawling out: understandable have a nice day

_____

kakashi: you know sasuke this is why i gave _you_ the blender instead of naruto. this exact reason. to stop this from happening

sasuke, using her electricity to power the blender which is blending a waffle for naruto to drink: oh?

kakashi: mhm

_____

sakura, waving her arms around wildly: the _only reason_ you can't dig through the Earth is because the Earth's too hot and the shovel would melt. that's it. that's the only reason

naruto, a certified dumbass: okay but what if you brought _two_ shovels and you pre-chilled one

sakura, sighing in defeat, her arms coming to hang limply by her side: yeah that'd. that'd work

_____

sai, observing the danger they're in and team 7's even more dangerous plan to get out: this is reckless

naruto: oh _no_

sasuke: _you don't say_

sakura: anything but _reckless._ we can't have _that_

_____

sai, in yet another dangerous position with team 7: so. how do you usually fix problems like this

sakura: we don't

sai, who just wants a _plan_ : _what_

sasuke: usually we just make another, bigger mess that cancels out the first one

naruto: but then, of course, we have _another_ mess to deal with

sai: ...have you tried _trying to actually fix your problems? Directly?_

sakura: it didn't work out, y'know

sai: is it. is it too late to ask for a different team

sasuke, sakura, and naruto: yes

_____

the senju, uzumaki, hyuuga, nara, normal clans: *fake being sick to get out of school*

the uchiha clan: *call the ambulance*

_____

[assassin!sasuke, mob boss!sakura]

sasuke: *straddles sakura's hips, places a knife underneath her chin while she's sleeping*

sakura: *wakes up to a beautiful lady straddling her while threatening to kill her* *quietly* well, mark me down for horny _and_ scared

sakura, sleepily smirking up at her while placing her hands on sasuke's waist: wanna fuck?

sasuke: ...you realize i'm here to kill you

_____

minato, trying to find his wife in the store: MARCO

kushina, distantly: POLO

minato, @kakashi who's basically their son at this point: oh god, that came from the ramen section didn't it

_____

[soulmate college au]

sakura, showing up to class right after her morning run, with dicks drawn on her entire body: not a _word,_ sasuke. when i find them i will _grind them into the earth_

sasuke, who lives in her hoodies and sweatshirts and shows as little skin as possible and found out sakura was her soulmate when naruto drew a dick on her arm a few days ago: heh

_____

sasuke, when naruto and sakura are standing side by side, arguing: *muttering* when the _fuck_ did you two become _taller than me_

_____

sasuke, 12, a gremlin: *shows up at orochimaru's hideout in cargo pants and a weird hairstyle*

orochimaru, horrified: oh—okay, uh, we can fix this— _oh honey nO_

__

sasuke, when she's killing orochimaru: i think you're stupid and your fashion sense _sucks_

orochimaru, genuinely offended: oh i'm _sorry,_ did you _forget_ what you showed up here with??

sasuke, motioning to her outfit: and _this_ is better? 

_____

orochimaru: *sends sasuke out to get groceries*

orochimaru, following her as she's polite to everyone there: ?

orochimaru, realizing she's only an absolute _bitch_ to everyone at the hideout because she _wants to_ be: _bitch_

sasuke, who knows full well he's been following her and is taking extra care to be polite to _absolutely everyone,_ even the assholes: ha

_____

kakashi, @ team 7: clean up your rooms i'm not gonna ask you twice

team 7: what?

kakashi: clean up your rooms i'm not gonna...

kakashi, internally: we've been tricked, we've been backstabbed and we've been quite possibly bamboozled

_____

tsunade, 5 years old: can i have candy?

hashirama: what did mito say?

tsunade: no

hashirama: so why would i say yes?

tsunade: she's not the boss of you

hashirama, internally: _it's a trap_

_____

obito, talking with rin about kakashi: i hate him he's such an asshole— *trips* *thousands of pictures of kakashi come pouring out of his pockets* wait no i hate him it's just—*more pictures fall out as he falls to his knees in a desperate attempt to pick them up* hang on a sec jUST LISTEN—

_____

touka, at the dinner table: okay hashirama what color do you think my boyfriend's shirt is

hashirama: grey?

touka: tobirama?

tobirama: grey

touka: butsuma?

butsuma: grey

touka: mito?

mito: grey

touka, turning to izuna: now tell them what color _you_ think your shirt is

izuna, utterly unembarrassed: dark white

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everyone at the hideout didnt have time to bleed but like _fuck_ yamato's letting kakashi carry on this way


	3. Chapter 3

rin: *gives kakashi a glass of milk*

kakashi, meaning to say 'whose milk is this': who's this

rin, immediately: that's your new friend mr.milk

kakashi:

rin:

rin: are you high

_____

naruto: when i was younger i was really optimistic and i thought that when i was twenty i'd have everything i wanted. working my dream job. living the life, y'know? the whole shebang.

sasuke: what were you on and where can i get some

_____

tobirama, the principal: professor haruno, we've been told you're being homophobic. what's your defense.

sakura: let's just take a moment to remember i'm married to a woman and am openly lesbian

_____

sasuke: *walks into the kitchen, takes out a tomato, and bites into it like it's an apple*

naruto, shaking:

sasuke, mildly concerned at naruto's shaking: what's up with you

naruto, shaking because of the sheer chaotic evil in that action: nothing

______

sasuke, notices naruto standing on the dining table: why are you on the table

naruto: i live here y'know i am ALLOWED to stand WHEREVER I WANT TO—

sasuke: where's the spider

naruto, dropping to his knees on the table and clasping his hands the way you would when begging someone: under the table pLEASE get rid of it—

_____

sasuke, coming out to her mom: mom i'm bisexual and this is my girlfriend sakura

mikoto: shit sorry, i forgot to act surprised do it again

_____

tobirama: so, did anyone do the homework?

entire class: no

tobirama: you know, i don't even know why i asked

_____

ino *motions to sakura*: but if you're valedictorian 

ino *motions to sasuke*: and she's salutatorian

ino *motions to herself, hinata, kiba, shino, shikamaru, and chouji*: and the six of us are top 2%

rookie nine minus naruto, in unison: then who's driving the bus?

naruto: *bursts in* I AM

_____

sakura: maybe if we all pretend we don't know what we're doing, he'll move the calculus test

naruto: bitch i don't even need to pretend

_____

sakura: y'know, when i was in seventh grade, i was in the school spelling bee and made it to the final round, which was a Big Deal

sakura: my entire 4th-8th grade school was watching, plus the teachers, plus a bunch of parents

sakura: i went up for my last word and got halfway through before i thought i skipped a letter so i said 'shit' really loudly into the mic and then to cover it up i said 'crap' even louder which just made it worse

sakura: the best part was i didn't misspell it, i got it right and ended up winning the bee

_____

sasuke: in my senior drama class i had to play gordon ramsay for a project i was in but we could only film at school so we had to find a closed off room and the room wasn't exactly soundproof 

sasuke: long story short the vice principal and four freshmen walked in on me wearing a chef's hat and yelling at ino because her squid was so raw i could still hear it telling spongebob to fuck off

sai: did you get an A

_____

kakashi: *remembers that he taught pakkun harry potter spells a few years ago*

kakashi: hmm. wonder if he still knows them

kakashi: *to pakkun* avada kedavra

pakkun: *plays dead*

_____

naruto: thanks, dad

kakashi: ...

naruto: why're you two starin' at me?

sakura: you just called kakashi sensei dad; you said "thanks, dad."

naruto: what? no i didn't, i said thanks, sensei

kakashi: do you see me as a father figure, naruto?

naruto: no, if anything, i see you as a bother figure 'cause your always bothering me

sasuke: hey, show your dad some respect

_____

naruto: when have i done anything rash or irresponsible?

sasuke and sakura: we keep a list. it's alphabetized

__

alternatively:

sasuke: when have i done anything rash or irresponsible?

sakura: i keep a list. it's alphabetized

_____

kakashi: good morning cruel world

sasuke: don't you mean goodbye

kakashi: no i meant good morning. this world may be cruel but i'm still kickin'

(^this is optimistically. usually it goes something like this:

kakashi: goodbye cruel world

team 7, gai, his friends that he somehow has, the HOKAGE: nO)

_____

sakura: your eyesight is perfectly fine, sasuke. i know this because i checked them for you. unless they've gotten worse?

sasuke: yeah my eyesight's fine—

sakura: then why can't you see that i like you

_____

sasuke, bursting into itachi's room: _the reason patrick's so clueless is because he lives under a rock_

itachi:

_____

naruto: why don't we have a specific noise that means _'there are bees here lets leave immediately'_. why are elephants more advanced than us

sakura: we do have a specific noise it sounds like this: _'there are bees here lets leave immediately'_

_____

tobirama: this penguin lives in africa so we're calling them african penguins

penguin: *bites him*

tobirama: no wait change of plans we're calling it the jackass penguin *to penguin* you happy, you little jackass? now that's your name forever

_____

sasuke, texting karin: SOS i told sakura i wanted a butch gf and she said 'im butch' and what the fUCK am i supposed to say to that???? im downstairs cooking for the both of us now 

karin: are you. are you sure yall arent on a date right now?

sasuke: she thought this was like our fifth date and i was just taking it slow hOLY SHIT

karin, out loud, in her head, text form: _you useless bitch_

_____

ino: if you're a gay lady with a thing for swords and want a powerful lady with a really big hammer to hold you tenderly in her arms you are valid

sakura: what if i want to be a powerful lady with a really big hammer tenderly holding a gay lady who loves swords in my arms?

ino: **you are the most valid person i have ever met**

sakura: the sword loving gay lady is sasuke

ino: yes. i know.

_____

sakura, fighting against sasuke: how did you get so much more fucking powerful???

sasuke: While You Were Being Heterosexual, I Studied The Blade

_____

sasuke: love is Dead and never Existed. all you did was Betray me as i lay Sick and Festering. you are the definition of Dread

sakura: i get that the cat stole your fucking garlic bread but please shut up i have paperwork to do

_____

sasuke: my lesbian farmer girlfriend, or, as i like to call her, my crop top

sakura: my lesbian electrician gf, or, as i like to call her, my power bottom

sasuke: touché

_____

sakura: once sasuke mentioned her period was late and for a minute i thought i'd gotten her pregnant

sakura: but then i remembered we're _gay_

_____

hidan, with the intention of creeping _someone_ out: *talks loudly* takes off my leather jacket to reveal a second, smaller leather jacket underneath

sasori: you mean skin?

hidan: 

hidan, scrambling away: what the _fuck_

_____

itachi, @sasuke: who hurt you?

sasuke: you did

__

alternatively:

sakura, with sasuke's psychological report from ino: who hurt you?

sasuke, who has been continuously traumatized since the age of, like, six: would you like your list in chronological order, alphabetical order, or in order from most to least painful?

_____

sakura, who works at the hospital and could use extra help: hey, sasuke, did orochimaru teach you medical ninjutsu?

sasuke: ...kinda. 

sakura: kinda?

sasuke: look, i could tell you the most painful way to harvest an organ effectively, the way to keep a person alive when, by all rights, they should be dead but very _very_ painfully, how to dilute the pain only to increase it by a large margin as a form of torture or punishment, depending, and—well. let's just say i know the _'mad scientist'_ version of medical ninjutsu.

sasuke: but if you want regular, painless, morally correct as far as morals are concerned here, medical ninjutsu then no. i do not 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr is the main thing that's fueling this, along with the fact that i find this funny 
> 
> also this chapter is _full_ of fem sasusaku but that's because i really really enjoy it


	4. Chapter 4

ino: guys the human body can't survive on black coffee and self-hatred

sasuke and sai, each on their tenth cup that morning, each not having slept for about a week, with literal tears in their eyes: not with _that_ attitude you can't

_____

the akatsuki leader, whoever the fuck that is bc i legitimately don't know: itachi, you have proved yourself several times over and that's why you are being entrusted with this vital and _extremely_ sensitive information

itachi: you won't regret it

*after he gets to wherever he drops info off at*

itachi: fuck you guys won't _believe_ the bullshit these bitches are planning

_____

sasuke: i'm not doing so good

sasuke: i've got this headache that comes and goes

naruto: *walks into the room*

sasuke: oh look, here it is again

_____

kisame: so, what's it like dating itachi?

deidara: i asked him for a glass of water when he was mad at me and he brought me a glass filled with ice and said "wait."

_____

sasuke: *close a cabinet*

*a crash is heard from the cabinet immediately after she closes it*

ino: what was that

sasuke: *raises her cup of coffee and knocks it against sai's like a toast*

sasuke: the sound of somebody else's problem

_____

sasuke: itachi's my archenemy, why would i want to talk to him?

naruto: wait, _itachi's_ your archenemy? not me?

sasuke: shut _up_

naruto: i'll claw his eyes out!

_____

naruto: you fuckin' _BASTARD_

sasuke: i'll have you know my parents were married when they had me

_____

kakashi, trying to check sasuke didn't destroy her jaw: open up

sasuke: that requires level 25 team bonds. you don't qualify

also sasuke, three seconds later: it all started when i was born...

kakashi, who's in No Position to hear about _anyone's_ trauma and comfort them appropriately: not like _that-_

ino, who has appointed herself as sasuke's pseudo therapist person because she desperately needs one and wants to know what sasuke perspective on her life is: _let her finish_

_____

naruto, with his foot stuck in a chair: you may be wondering, "naruto, how did you get yourself in this position?"

naruto: well guys, naruto doesn't know either

_____

sasuke: i couldn't sleep last night

naruto, excitedly: if you couldn't sleep, that probably means somebody was thinkin' 'bout you!!!

sasuke, flashbacking on how she hasn't been able to sleep a _wink_ since the uchiha massacre, when people first started thinking about her as _her:_ *in her head* _it_ _checks out_

sasuke, out loud: who the _fuck_ is out here thinking about me at three a.m.?

sakura and ino: [gay panic]

_____

sasuke, introducing itachi to naruto: this is naruto. he's my rival

naruto: you _bitch,_ i am your _best friend_

____

sasuke, introducing itachi to sakura: this is sakura. she's a close acquaintance of mine

sakura: you _bitch,_ i am your _wife_

_____

naruto: *opinion*

team 7:

don't say it

don't say it

don't say it

don't say it

don't say it

don't say it

don't say it

kakashi, sakura, sasuke, sai, tenzou: can you shut the fuck up

_____

obito: hey, do you have a bag i can borrow?

kakashi: the only bags i have are the ones under my eyes, and they're specifically designed to carry the burden of my existence

obito: literally all you had to do was say no

_____

sai: hey naaki

sakura: did he really just call you 'naaki'

naruto: yeah he thinks that's my name

sakura: well why don't you correct him?

naruto: oh no it's gone on way too long now. the first time he said it it was just in passing so i didn't say anything. and then the next time he said, "hey naaki, want ramen?" and, well, i wanted ramen

sakura:

naruto: and now it's three years later, the ramen's gone and i'm still naaki

_____

suigetsu: i wanna be a reverse tooth fairy where i rob people and and then scatter human teeth on their bed

sasuke: a dentist

karin: i don't know what your dentist is doing to you but i think you need to go to the police

_____

naruto: being gay before the invention of lube must've been a pain in the ass

sakura: according to my history teacher this is actually a huge contributing factor to the popularity of olive oil in ancient greece

naruto: the people of ancient greece loved that ancient grease

_____

naruto, who's first soul incarnation's dad _was_ god and is technically the son of god: anyone else feel like god's just toying with you however he pleases? he thinks he's so funny. well i'm about to get hilarious

sasuke, another technical child of god: i'll help you commit blasphemy or whatever

naruto: _sweet_

_____

naruto, facedown on sasuke's bed while sasuke reads a book: she told me she loved me and you know what i said? i said 'neat'. it's not neat to say neat but i said it anyway because i'm a fucking dumbass

sasuke, not trying especially hard to comfort him: it could've been worse. remember what i said when sakura told me she loved me?

naruto, lifting his head up: didn't you thank her?

sasuke, putting down her bok and staring skyward: i thanked her.

_____

sai: maybe jesus was gay the whole time and was actually saying, "ah, men"

_____

naruto: got called a bi disaster in walmart earlier lads

sakura: tell us what happened lad

naruto: i got called a bi disaster in walmart

sasuke: yea but why

naruto: i was being a bi disaster

sai: in walmart?

naruto: yeah it was in walmart

_____

sai, genuinely wanting answers: since the 'b' in lgbt means bisexual doesn't that imply there are only two genders?

sakura, who has No Time for this but Needs to make a snippy remark: since i'm bilingual doesn't that mean there are only two languages?

_____

obito, at some point probably: i don't care if you don't like space puns. _i_ like space puns

obito: comet me, bro

_____

naruto: always be positive!

naruto: *falls down the stairs*

naruto: wow, i got down the stairs so fast!

_____

sasuke: we live in a disgusting dystopian society where swordsmanship isn't a respected college major

naruto: i'm upset 'cause i wanna change the world but the world's just so _big_ and people are so fuckin' _mean_

sakura: was anyone else called gifted when they were younger and now struggle with standards and realizing that all those dumb bitches _caught up?_

sai: my talents include using my terrible social skills to get out of conversations i don't want to have and being sad over shit i saw coming

_____

someone: what are three of your best qualities?

naruto: my hair's soft, i'm bi, and i cry over my friends sometimes

naruto: especially when sasuke _crams her fucking fist_ into my chest, because that shit _hurts,_ holy hell

_____

sarada: if people are really going to assume that guys with long hair are gay and girls with short hair are lesbians then i'm going to assume all bald men are actually eagles

boruto: i just _knew_ something about my dad wasn't adding up


	5. Chapter 5

naruto, with a bag of marshmallows: d'you guys think i could fit fifteen marshmallows in my mouth at once?

sakura: you're a hazard to society

sasuke and sai, in unison: and a coward. do twenty

_____

team 7: a good scapegoat is just as welcome as a solution to the problem  
_____

sakura: i relate to belle, because she loves to read books and loves people for their souls

naruto: i relate to tinkerbell because she needs attention or else she dies

sasuke: i relate to scar because i'm surrounded by idiots

ino: i relate to kristoff because i too would go on an adventure with someone i barely know and proceed to critique their unhealthy relationship

_____

sakura: i could fit the entire world in my hands!

sasuke, knows how this goes, playing along: no you can't

sakura: *cups her favorite food that sasuke cooked for her in her hands, grinning* you sure?

sasuke, faintly annoyed and sulking: dumbass

sakura: aww, sasuke, are you hurt?

sasuke: shut _up_

sakura: well, don't worry. this might be my entire world, but you're my entire universe

______

sai: you know, the human body is 70% water. so we're basically just cucumbers with anxiety

sasuke, scoffing: with the amount of salt and alcohol i consume? i'm more like an anxiety _pickle_

_____

sakura: i never tell people right off the bat that i'm gay. i wait. i wait until they say some homophobic shit and laugh and say, "you know i'm gay right?" and watch the look of horror and _'i fucked up'_ on their face

sasuke:

sasuke, grinning: oh, i _like_ you

_____

kidnapper: we have your son and-

kakashi, interrupting their spiel: i don't have a son

kidnapper: then who just asked for chocolate milk and a sandwich with the crusts cut off?

kakashi:

kakashi: yOU HAVE NARUTO?!?!?!

_____

sakura: i like your pants

sasuke: thanks. they were 50% off

sakura, attempting to flirt: well i'd like them 100% off ;)

sasuke: what kind of store just gives stuff away?

sakura: what? wait no-

sasuke: that's a terrible way to run a business, sakura

__ 

ino, watching sakura trudge off: why do you do this to her?

sasuke, who knew full well what sakura was trying to do and was messing with her: do what?

sai, calmly: it's because she's a fucking bitch, ino

sasuke: pot, meet kettle

_____

kakashi in a horror movie:

*phone rings*

kakashi: *picks up reluctantly* hello?

killer: i see you...

kakashi:

killer:

kakashi:

killer:

kakashi: do i look good?

_____

sasuke: who the fuck-

sakura: language

sasuke: whom the fuck-

sakura: no.

_____

sasuke: where the fuck is sakura?

kakashi, half-heartedly: language

sasuke: may i ascertain the whereabouts of my fucking girlfriend?

_____

sakura: that's ridiculous, sasuke doesn't have a crush on me

naruto: yes she does

ino: yes she does

sai: yes she does

sasuke: yes i do

_____

kakashi, during training: okay i’m gonna pretend to be a burglar for self-defense reasons and the two of _you_ are going to act wisely. okay?

naruto: okay

sasuke: sure

kakashi: if you want to live give me all your money

naruto, immediately: bold of you to assume I have money

sasuke, right after naruto finishes talking: bold of you to assume i want to live

kakashi: 

kakashi: what did i _just_ say-

_____

kakashi, to sasuke, after he pulled her away from training ‘cause she said something mean to naruto and upset him: be nice to naruto. treat him like he’s your brother

sasuke, confused: you said be nice to him but you want me to murder him?

kakashi, realizing his mistake: just be nICE-

sasuke, running at naruto: hey dobe kakashi said to kill you so just stand still-

naruto, innocently training: wHAT

kakashi, bolting after her: wAIT NO-

_____

kakashi, passing pearls of wisdom on to team 7: putting the milk in the bowl before the cereal is divorce worthy

naruto, piping up: or wetting the toothbrush _before_ putting the toothpaste on

sakura, offended: wow, excuse you. what if i like to soften the bristles first

sasuke, also offended: who the fuck doesn’t wet their toothbrush before putting the toothpaste on?

naruto: who the fuck does?

sasuke and sakura: we the fuck do

naruto: what the fuck guys?

sasuke and sakura: sCrEw YoU

_____

sasuke, watching the news: some idiot tried fighting a squid at the aquarium

suigetsu, covered in ink: maybe the squid was being a dick

_____

suigetsu, juugo, and karin: *moping*

sasuke: honestly, what did you guys _think_ a tiger shark was?

_____

sasuke: naruto, tell sakura she’s stupid

naruto: why can’t you tell her?

sasuke: we’re fighting, obviously

naruto, confused: you’re literally in sakura’s lap right now...?

sasuke: and?

_____

ino and sai: hey, sakura, is sasuke a big spoon or a little spoon?

sasuke: i’m a knife

sakura: she’s a little spoon

_____

might guy: according to statistics, men with larger eyebrows have larger dicks

kakashi: not to burst your bubble, but statistics have past you by

_____

sakura: i think i’ve finally figured out what’s wrong with naruto!

sasuke: I have an entire list of things wrong with naruto 

_____

naruto, shirtless in the very cold, very snowy mountains because ‘kurama’ll protect me!’: hah! look, i’m fine! even sakura says so! she says i’m phenomenal

sasuke and kakashi:

sasuke and kakashi, in unison: no, she said you have pneumonia 

_____

kakashi: obito, hear me out: you’re in love with me

obito: what? no i’m not...wait

obito: holy shit i aM

rin:

rin, disgusted: _what_ kind of bullshit confession is _this_

_____

kakashi: sasuke, d’you wanna talk about your feelings?

sasuke: no.

naruto: i do

kakashi: i know, naruto 

naruto: i’m sad

kakashi: i know, naruto 

_____

sakura: fuck, the printer messed up! it’s supposed to say ‘naruto’s birthday’

kakashi: well, what _does_ it say?

sakura: ‘naruto’s bi’

sasuke: still works.

_____

sasuke: i am decayed. my lungs are full of thorns and mildew. my bones are held together by vines. i am fragile. be gentle with my corpse.

mikoto, exasperated, wishing her daughter hadn’t gotten the dramatic™ gene: get out of bed you’re going to school whether you like it or not

sasuke: i _refuse_

______  
_

sai: have i told you about my idea for a female assassin? she kills her target by seducing-

sasuke, already asleep: zzzzZZZZZZ

sai: no, listen, this one-let me finish-she kills her targets by seducing their wives-

sasuke, eyes snapping open: _go on_

_____

sasuke: self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the Fucking Void

obito, who works at nasa and is tempted to let his little cousin do that but is _also_ wondering if he’s willing to subject himself to her girlfriend, her best friend, her older brother, her older cousin(s), her teacher, and her mother’s wrath and coming to the conclusion that no, he is very much Not Willing to die today: could i suggest a Soothing Bath™ instead?

_____

kushina: once someone told me that shooting stars are really just angels throwing away their cigarettes before god could catch them smoking

kakashi: someone get me a young child I have wisdom to pass on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @the one where team 7 argues abt wetting toothbrushes: I firmly believe Naruto has never touched a toothbrush in his life before he casually mentioned it one day and sakura immediately blew off training to teach him dental hygiene


	6. Chapter 6

sasuke: *gets catcalled*

izuna, walking with her: *strikes a pose and blows the assholes kisses* THANK YOU

_____

naruto, at a restaurant that is _not_ Ichiraku Ramen: GIVE ME SHRIMP OR GIVE ME DEATH

sasuke, bored: naruto, with your seafood allergy you can have both

sakura, musing: kinda weird that your name is 'fishcake' but you're _allergic_ to seafood

_____

naruto, summed up:

sasuke: HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR ME

naruto: THAT'S MY OPINION

_____

tobirama, as a headline: Man Who Thought He'd Lost All Hope Loses Last Additional Bit Of Hope He Didn't Even Know He Still Had

_____ 

naruto: sakura is on a cruise with her girlfriend so while she's gone i'm gonna cut the sleeves off of all my shirts

sai: why

naruto: she's pretty much 85% of my impulse control

_____

naruto, 12, the day after kiba gave him a dare and he did it: i broke my arm in two places

sasuke, 12, sleep deprived bc nightmares, brain-to-mouth filter completely gone, brain working at 5%: maybe you shouldn't go to those places anymore, then

_____

sakura, trying to have a serious conversation: i need to get something off my chest

sasuke, thirsty, extremely invested in seeing sakura w/o a shirt on bc she's _fit: *_ internally* is it your shirt, please please please let it be your shirt, please be your shirt, please take off your fucking shirt, _please—_

_________

sasuke, who can easily withstand heat on a hot day, unbuttoning shirt: wow it's really hot

sakura, who _cannot_ easily withstand heat and is literally about to turn into human goo: yeah i know. 

sakura: but why are you taking _my_ shirt off—

_____

one of many stray cats in the uchiha compound after the massacre, to sasuke: evening milady

stray cat: or morning rather

stray cat: hem hem. i am speaking to you, thot

sasuke, six-seven years old, traumatised, does Not know where the cat food is: 

_____

sasuke, on a mission with naruto and background ninja: don't worry, i've got knives up my sleeve

background ninja, trading a Look with the other background ninjas: ...you mean cards, right?

naruto: she did Not

sasuke, pulling out an impossible number of knives from her sleeves: i did not.

_____

naruto, on his knees in front of sasuke, hands clasped together in prayer and five seconds from straight up begging: i need dating advice

sasuke, boredly looking down at him from her spinning chair, playing with a knife: just because i'm dating sakura doesn't mean i know how i did it

__

sakura, courting sasuke, who is an asshole who makes her really work to make the courting work out but is _also_ an oblivious fool: you're stupid. i like that in a woman

_____

naruto, in a really bad situation, reflecting on how long sakura's going to yell at him: the risk i took was calculated, but man, am i bad at math

_____

sai: [taps table]

sasuke: [taps back]

ino: [taps table in response]

their friends, all wanting to strangle their respective asshole friend: sTOP IT

ino: stop what?

their friends: you three are trash talking us in ANBU CODE AGAIN, RIGHT IN FRONT OF US

sai: yes, of _course_ that's what they did. they learned the super-secret code of a group they're not even a part of so we could all trash talk you all in front of you faces without you being able to do anything about it

sasuke, later, to sakura: that's _exactly_ what we did

_____

naruto, to the various ppl he bonds with but sasuke especially cause she really needs to calm tf down: aren't you tired of going apeshit? don't you wanna be nice?

__

naruto, after that bonding thing failed, readying for a fight: I'M GONNA BREAK ALL YOUR BONES TO SHOW YOU HOW _I_ FEEL

sasuke, swords out, sharingan blazing, ready to fucking murder someone, preferably naruto: [middle finger]

_____

sasuke, like 22, to her genin team that naruto unwisely saddled on her: when i was a teenager i formed a group full of other s-rank teenagers 

genin: and then?

sasuke: we're technically banned from all of the countries except fire country 

genin: do you all ever visit the other countries?

sasuke, thinking about how every month the four of them travel through all of the countries in like a week bc they have to run nonstop at their fastest pace bc of all the ninjas attempting to straight up murder them: not often, no


	7. Chapter 7

sakura, lovestruck, @sasuke: you're so sweet and cute and amazing

sasuke: I AM NOT SWEET OR CUTE. I'M DARK AND MYSTERIOUS AND DANGEROUS AND VERY PISSED OFF

sakura: aww, how cute

_____

naruto, eyes closed, with an expression of sadness, tear tracks on his face: s[he] be[lie]ve[d]

sai, head tilted, puzzled: sbeve?

kakashi, was literally _just_ walking to the fridge to get something to drink, with the shocked pikachu face: _how the fuck did he say that out loud_

_____

sasuke: ino and sai are close friends of mine, but, like, i’d sell them to satan for one(1) corn chip

_____

sakura: if you kill a killer, the number of killers in the world stay the same

sasuke, through a mouthful of tomato: kill two

_____

sasuke, fighting naruto: *mockingly* you? hurt _me?_ oh _please,_ you couldn’t hurt a _fly_

naruto: you’re right! because a fly is an innocent creature who never knowingly did anything to anybody 

naruto, leeching off of kurama’s chakra to punch sasuke to the moon: you, however, i would _maim_

_______  
  


sakura, 12, would like some _fucking_ money like all 12 year olds in the world: wonder what it’d be like to get paid for being cute

sasuke, 12, has a crush on sakura and is also dead-tired, has lost all brain-to-mouth filters that may or may not have been there before: you’d be rich

kakashi, naruto, and sakura (who is blushing), staring at sasuke with the shocked pikachu face expression: 

sasuke, realizing what she said: *turns red and _bolts_ *  
_____

IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED, STAB IT. MAYBE SET IT ON FIRE WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.

— uchiha sasuke, at some point

_____  
  


I’VE JUST HAD AN IQ TEST. EVERYTHING’S FINE, IT CAME BACK NEGATIVE.

— uzumaki naruto, at some point 

_____

naruto, five minutes into knowing sasuke: yeah we’re best friends

sasuke, six years, eleven months, two weeks, and four days into knowing naruto: no officer, i do _not_ know who that is

shisui, the officer, has seen naruto at sasuke’s house constantly for almost seven years: 

_____

naruto, attempting to reassure sasuke: you’ll be fine, just be yourself!

sasuke, a certified Asshole and knows it: be myself? naruto, i have one day to win over sakura’s parents. how long did it take before you idiots started liking me?

sai: couple of weeks

shikamaru: six months

kiba: jury’s still out

sasuke: see? ‘be yourself’, what kind of lousy advice is that?

_____

sasuke: so what you’re saying is that if we do this either _i_ die or _madara_ dies?

naruto, mistakenly thinking his bestie is afraid for her life: yeah but I want ya to trust that we won’t—

sasuke, 100% ready to do ‘kill or be killed’ every single day of her life, firing up katon: why didn’t you _say_ that this is a win-win situation? let’s _go_

_____

sasuke, @naruto: aren't you tired of being nice? don't you wanna go apeshit?

naruto, speechless, thinking abt that time he said the same thing except opposite to sasuke: *internally* _oh, how the tables have tabled..._

_____

hashirama, to madara, after they've had an argument that's lasted like a month and resulted in several burnt piles of paperwork, a sudden decline AND boost in trees, and he's already apologized: i think you owe me an apology

madara: I'LL APOLOGIZE TO YOU IN HELL

hashirama:

madara: i actually don't know what this is about, sorry i took such a hard stance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter


	8. Chapter 8

an unimportant ANBU captain, Tired(TM), to their ANBU team: birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it, let's do it, let's go hurtling out of the window and die

ANBU team: *appreciative clapping bc they're all depressed bastards*

_____

mikoto, leaning over sasuke, who's like six years old and crying over a skinned knee: i don't think we need to cry over this anymore

sasuke, still crying, glaring up at her through teary eyes: this is in NO WAY a WE situation

_____

naruto, finishing a test in the academy: wow that was easy!

naruto: *looks to his left* *sakura's not done*

naruto: *looks to the right* *sasuke's not done*

naruto: *realizes literally nobody else is even close to finishing*

naruto: i'm either really smart or i fucked up entirely

naruto, getting up and handing it in anyway: nailed it or failed it

_____

obito, earnestly explaining to a disinterested and slightly confused madara in some dreary cave system somewhere: look, every human has tried to sing every part of the bohemian rhapsody at once. it's a human flaw of ours

zetsu, to whom this is the most entertainment they've had in centuries: *a large amount of previously unseen mouths gape open, distorting their figure while obito stares in fear and madara continues to stare disinterestedly because he's seen them do this shit several times* *they proceed to sing the bohemian rhapsody flawlessly, including the instrumentals* what, like it's hard?

_____

sasuke: we need to take him out but make it look like an accident

suigetsu: say no more :)  
__

a random shinobi, who is Unimpressed and wants to Kill this Stupid Bastard who can't even make the death look fucking _believeable_ : looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

_____

sasuke: 6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?

sakura: because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day

naruto, quietly: this is _advanced_

_____

naruto, after listening to sakura rant about teeth procedures for a few hours: but why would we ever remove the wisest of our teeth

_____

naruto: can i ask a stupid question?

sasuke: better than anyone i know.

_____

naruto and sasuke, after kakashi made sakura team leader: what, no we're just supposed to do anything sakura does? like what if sakura jumped off a cliff?

kakashi: if sakura were to jump off a cliff, she would've done her due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so yes. if you see sakura jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff.

_____

sasuke: i did somethi—

kakashi, clapping his hands together nervously: —okay! headcount, everybody!

_____

Extremely Tired Genie, dragging his hand down his face as he speaks through his fingers: and your third wish?

sakura, age sixteen and feral, holding up two bigass hammers with ease: take a wild fuckin' guess

_____

neji: naruto and i are dating

everyone, including naruto: *shocked gasp*

_____

sasuke: *gets stabbed*

sasuke, staring blankly at the 1m long knife stuck in her chest as sakura sprints toward her: do you...want this back or can i keep it?

_____

sakura, urgently crouched over sasuke, who's bleeding out: quick, what the hell's your type?!

sasuke, gaze unfocused as she stares at the mass of pink hovering over her: pink. green eyes. strong. medi—

sakura: no, i mean your bloodtype!

sasuke: oh. 

sasuke, looking down at the stab wound: red.

_____

naruto, yelling in the background: OH MY GOD WHAT'S HER BLOOD TYPE??

itachi, chilling with his little sister's best friend, serenely eating a stick of dango: b-positive

naruto: I'M TRYING BUT SHE'S BLEEDING OUT

_____

sakura: hey, what's your blood type?

sasuke: how should i know?

sakura: you don't know?

sasuke, scoffing: who am i? karl landsteiner, discoverer of blood types?

sakura:

sakura: you know who discovered blood types but not your own?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didnt mean to put all those blood type things together at the end but then i had them and me and my trash sense of humor went, eh. why not?
> 
> *peaces out until the next time i am browsing the internet at 2 am and decide to publish a chapter*


	9. Chapter 9

sakura: EVERYBODY SHUT UP!!! *picks up the phone* hi mom!

chouji: HI!!!!!!!!

tenten: COME BACK TO BED!

kiba: *various sex noises*

shikamaru, napping half off the bed and half on the floor: tell her i said hi

sasuke: pass the fucking weed, sakura!

naruto: *yelling curse words at the top of his lungs*

ino: PUT YOUR FUCKING PANTS BACK ON!!!

_____

ino: assert your dominance by calling your friends by their ninja ID number

_____

chouji, as he eats chips and cloud-watches with shikamaru and ino: friends are like bananas. if you peel their skin and eat them, they die.

shikamaru and ino: *forever sleep with one eye open out of fear*

_____

naruto: why am i not the protagonist of an amazing story?

sakura, who breached the fourth wall on virtue of not having slept for a week and sustaining herself on coffee: *turns bloodshot eyes to the camera like she's in the office*

__

alternatively:

naruto, flopping on the ground despondently: why am i not the protagonist of an amazing story?

sakura, not looking up from her book: you are though. it's called your life

naruto: shut the fuck up i wanna struggle with fighting demons and shit, not struggle with waking up at six a.m even though sensei isn't here yet

sasuke, going through a flexibility routine: but those are your demons

naruto, spluttering: i am hereby naming you as the antagonist and now it is my sole job to find you and hit you in the face with a chair for that bitch ass comment you just made

_____

sasuke: shapeshifting is the best super power because you can have a haircut any time you want, if you're ugly you can turn into a hotter version of yourself, you can turn into a dragon, you can turn into a robot, you can turn into a shambling mound of abstract shapes and sulk outside your estranged father's house while chanting ominously about his sins, 

hinata, eyes gleaming: this took a weird turn but i'm definitely still on board

_____

kiba: despite having an IQ of 1 i'm still alive guys

shino: it's impossible to have 1 IQ. you are smarter than that

kiba: so you're just gonna enter my house and tell me i'm too stupid to exist huh

_____

judge: i hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison

naruto, as sasuke's lawyer, leaning forward: your honour, my client respectfully requests that you add a year to their sentence

_____

sasuke, in court: your honour i would like to plead guilty as well as request the death penalty

judge: this....is a parking ticket....

_____

kiba: what's the word for horny, but not in a sexual way. like i'm horny for halloween but i don't want to fuck a pumpkin you feel?

shino, who has never been horny a day in his life: ...do you mean excited.

_____

sasuke, in their room, musing aloud: whoever murders me better not be caught because i'm aiming to be featured on buzzfeed unsolved

kushina, from the afterlife: i like how that implies their murder is inevitable. there's a lot of chaotic energy there

anyone who has ever interacted with sasuke post-massacre ever and is also dead: *vibrating as they stare at kushina with haunted eyes* **if you met them you would know it's inevitable**

_____

minato: i had a dream that unless the teacher told us class was over, we were forbidden from going out the door. our teacher was very forgetful, and maybe even malicious. after being forced to stay past sunset for several days, my class decided we were going to break out every night. eventually our attempts led us to discover rifts in space-time that we could warp, so we never used the door. checkmate.

fugaku, 12 years old, squinting at his new teammate who's being obnoxiously cheerful: what about the window, you idiot?

minato, inhaling deeply and glaring: what? you going to critique my dreams? my subconscious creations, that i did by accident while asleep? the chemicals in my brain? are you going to use your foul eyes and dissect all of the plotholes in my dreams? you going to critique the weather? harass the clouds? make fun of thunder for being off-key? remind me to come to your house and shred your shoes

kushina, grinning, whispering to mikoto: i think i'm in love 

_____

tobirama: hey, mito, what do you wanna eat?

kurama: THE DEATH OF THIS ENTIRE GOD-FORSAKEN VILLAGE

mito: a burger

kurama: N O

mito: TWO burgers--

_____

**Author's Note:**

> minato is a scheming fuck. a nice one, granted, but still a scheming fuck


End file.
